Tapaswi Samyami

How does the self look like and does he have any shape,hues or dimensions?

Funny, it cannot be described in words since words are insufficient to say it all.

Can we describe the word Love to another who has never experienced it at all?

Self is all that is to experience by any human being in this birth.

Self does not have shape, sound, body,light,substance or any such thing which can be put up in the tangible world.

It is all powerful, all round, self effulgent, all knowledgeable, self sustaining and does not need any support system for being there.

It does not have any desires, wants, needs and can exist without any objectives or goals.

Nothing sticks to it at all. No emotions to bind it and no body to hold it.

It has no attachments to food,clothing or shelter.

No attachments to any living or dead person or being.

The family ,house, caste, religion, animals, properties, objects have absolutely no meaning to that Self.

It appears distributed but is infact one only.

The self has no boundries, no lives, no hold on anything or nothing can hold it down.

On realizing the Self there are no more goals to get to.

Nothing appeals to you at all. This world becomes an illusion and worthless.

The self is the monarch, the pauper, the common man and also the special one.

It has nowhere to go, nor come. It just there is.

Nothing changes and nothing affects it at all.

The path to reach it is worthless since it has reached itself.

Just the way, you would discard the form of transport after you have reached the destination or goal. The means are not important after you have reached there.

What use is the education, the Guru, the books, the implements,the doership, the studentship or for that matter even the hallowed grounds you have attained it?

But here let me clarify one thing-the means of attaining it is very important.

What are these means that can be used to attain that elusive dream Self?

The body is the most important tool, next comes the 8 tools called the senses, mind, intellect and finally the ego.

You have to use these tools for getting to your goal.

If you do not have a body how will you ever get there so pay respect to that body.

Next the mind is very important tool. We all have to disect and assimilate through this wonderful organ called the Mind. Using the intellect which will be razor sharp and will direct the mind to the right place. Next is the ego which helps us in knowing the false and the truth.Discrimination is the sword by which we cut that ego,mind and reach the goal.

You can only understand it after reaching it.

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Now that seemed a very long time coming to me.Long and tiresome 7 years and I was too tired to acknowledge it.

The first thing that hit me was how could Swami Virajeshwara get it and not me?

I was hoping for some miracle to happen to me and tell me in the ear that you are there.

But then it suddenly came up to me like a sudden impulse which drives us to do unknown activities.

One day I was in deep meditation and I found that I have become a small cell in the whole body and was drifting in the blood stream. I did not have any self drive to extricate myself from that place. I was forced by the flow of blood to just go along and I just went flowing in the blood stream. I did not have a will of my own. Suddenly I saw myself turning up as the body itself and driving this cell further and further.

I saw the whole world floating inside of me. Every tiny cell in the body was a being and the whole universe was compacted in this being.I seemed to grow bigger and bigger and far beyond proportions. The earlier feeling of being a small cell vanished and inplace I was the mightiest of the beings around.

I seemed to direct the entire flow of creation and dissolution in my being.

It was a stupendous experience far beyond human understanding.

I suddenly got off and now I could feel my being floating and visiting places not seen by me ever. It was all so weird for me to know all that.

My dream or that experience ended and I came back to normal.

I had earlier had an out of body experience which taught me to look at my own body and observe every small thing around me.

I was able to commune with the God of Death also during that phase but this was far beyond my own reckoning.I was in deep sleep or meditative state.

Though my Kundalini vibrations were of low intensity earlier, they suddenly increased beyond proportions and I found myself begging for some relief from the constant pain in the back and neck.

My urge to be one with the universe became very intense and I felt swinging wildly from one state to another.

I wanted relief from all these traumas and so I prayed fervently day after day.

I just felt like running away from this material world.

I then decided that by the month of May 2007 I shall run away to the Himalayas.

It was full one year before I would be doing that.

I would sit in the store like a zombie and fight with everyone at any given opportunity.

I was searching for peace within myself and wanting to know who is this wonderful being who is giving me this knowledge and experiences.

I craved for that little peace that I could get from these worldly or out worldly afflictions. The intensity of the need to understand grew on me day after day.

I could not co-relate to anything or anyone during these periods.

I read voraciously and assimilated a lot of information during that period.

I was hoping that some tangible being would be my preceptor, but that was not to be.

I hoped that some open book was lying somewhere from which I was getting all that knowledge but again that was a far cry.

I prayed to all known Gods during that period.

Ma Kali was my Goddess and Saibaba was my kula Guru.

Then suddenly one fine day I was taken to that place which made me sit up.

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Well, here I am writing the last page of my life first.

You may ask why do I have to write the last page first-so let me give you the reason for doing such a weird turn.

I was asked if I am There and I said Yes,I am There! So the next question was how do you know you are there and then it occurred to me that I have to try telling you how I am there and believe me it is going to be a very tough task for me to get to explain that.

But I am going to try and hope that I am able to give you the right perspective and answers.

On my way I encountered a lot of situations which made me wonder if I will ever reach the desired goal or destination in this life or am I to wait for a few more?

I arrived at the destination few years ago and knew then how difficult it was before I finally made it.

It suddenly occurred to me one fine day that all that I was searching for is there within me and I have been searching like a mad man all my life for that elusive thing called Self Realization!

The term itself is self explanatory but how do I make you understand all that?

Self is that which we really are and Realization is knowing or understanding that!

If it were to be so simple then I would be the king but I am not so here I go again trying hard to make you understand all that I understood suddenly!!!

First the revelations which came to me are responsible for this great effulgence!

Knowing that I am there and making someone else know that is difficult.

How would I explain the taste of sugar to someone who has never seen nor tasted it before? It is as difficult as that.

I realized that all that exists outside of me is not outside at all but inside of me.

When we look at objects which seem different are no longer different but I am one with them.They exist in me only.

I own everything here and there too. I can only perceive them outside of me due to an an aberration only. This is called Maya. She makes us think that all objects are outside of me and they have separate life of their own.

But once I am there I know that all objects that appear outside are unreal and transitory. They change but I am that which does not change at all. So I am permanent. So who is this-I am?

I am that which has everything within me and nothing is outside of me.

Let me take this example of Suresh Rao which looks so much real but all the cells are dying and changing so fast that what I see just now covering me are not there the next moment. What is it that holds me intact then? Maya!!

No one can come and give me a qualification or a certificate that I am there!

I just have to know that and go on from there.

I have to be candid telling you that I had never read any holy or spiritual text in my life and suddenly one fine day I was able to expound on them in a way I could never fathom. Even those who heard me were amazed at this ability of mine.

I do not know how it suddenly came to me.

I could get some strange answers from some unforeseen places and then those instances became a sort of deja vu for me. I really was perplexed and never could make head nor tail of that.

Just by the touch of my hand the person in front of me could go in a trance state and how she or he could do that was beyond my ken!

I could commune with some strange deities and ask them for some answers and lo they were there for me.

There was no knowledge beyond my understanding in the spiritual.

There were no questions arising but there were all answers for the ones which were put to me.

My entire life revolved around the strange world of the spiritual.

I got up thinking about the spiritual, read all day long on that,expounded all day long on that, never had thoughts about any other thing except that,prayed most of the time, wanted to visit holy places, the urge to be one with that Supreme is tremendous, working for that One is very high, writing books on that One, teaching about Him, Singing songs about Him, bhajans, kirtans and reading so much that my day was insufficiant for that act.

The charge of that sweet Goddess within me was driving me nuts. Kundalini surges through me all the time.I was not aware of it at all but when it became too difficult for me I reached out to doctors too and they couldn't explain. Finally Dipti could tell me that it was the Kundalini shakti and it was going beserk. I couldn't control that energy flow at all in the beginning, but now I could.

My inner being constantly spoke of just going away from all this material world.

I walked out three times and all those times I was drawn back by the words of my Guru and some strange urges.

I have not yet finished here but I have a lot more to tell but since I am tired now I shall stop but I will tell you more about it.